4.        You radiate happy to everyone you meet

September 2009: Dealing with Stress During Foreclosure & Tough Economies

I was interviewed about how to deal with stress during foreclosure and other economic hard times. For this month's blog I share the interview. You can check out the entire article and The Real Kirkland blog at http://blogs.kirklandreporter.com/realkirkland/

...Robin Morris, MA, LMHC, is a counselor and life coach in Woodinville, WA.  She has counseled a countless number of individuals and families looking to pick up the pieces from many situations and I knew her comfortable, non-judgmental style would make her the perfect person to answer my questions.  Wondering about this topic, I asked if I could interview her to see what a concerned friend or family member could do to truly lend an ear to those going through a hard time:

Jen:  Robin, how would you rate going through a foreclosure on the stress scale?

Robin : There are many professional studies that rank stresses. As a professional, my compilation of the research puts foreclosure up there in the top five. In addition to being high on the list in general, each specific incidence of foreclosure will carry a different weight -sometimes heavier and sometimes lighter-   depending on the individuals involved & the circumstances of the foreclosure.

 Jen: What are some suggestions for coping techniques through difficult times?

Robin:  Definitely attention to basics; healthy diet, exercise, sleep. Maintaining structure to deal with chaos.  It can be comforting and also orienting during disorienting times to create a structure for your days and tasks. And Support, Support, Support. Reach out to friends, family and/or professionals. As tempting or natural as it is to isolate yourself, even small efforts to reach out to others will go a long way to mitigating stress.

Help others. Doing something for others is a great way to get a lift to your own spirits. I have a game I like to play called “Change It Up.” I look around my world for someone who is doing things for me and challenge myself to come up with something I can do for them. It can be a loved one in your home, or someone you hardly know. Once, after purchasing flowers, I handed them to the grocery clerk, and said “These are for you.” The look of pleasure and surprise on her face turned what had been a sluggish day for me into an energized one.

 Jen:  What can we say to help someone that is going through the loss of a home or loss of retirement?

Robin: We put pressure on ourselves to say something, to say the “right” thing. It’s not always about saying anything. Being willing to truly listen – without making assumptions or judgments about what the person is going through or caving into our sadness for them -  is one of the most helpful things we can do. When we stop and listen, we may be surprised by what the person is feeling and experiencing. The experience of being heard can be a tremendous relief and power-boost for someone who is suffering a loss.

 When we do need or want to say something, here are a few guidelines:

• Speak from your heart: be honest, authentic. Don’t pretend it’s comfortable trying to talk about this if it’s not.
• Avoid “it’s happening all around us” statements, because even if it is, it’s also happening to this specific person in this specific situation.
• Ask questions about how the other person is feeling, what are their plans, etc.

 Jen: As a counselor, why do you think the loss of a home is so tough?

Robin: I think the loss of a home is so tough because of everything that home means to us. Home is a sanctuary, a safe harbor, an expression of our style and values, a place where our family & friends gather, a place where we can be ourselves and relax. When you lose a home, you lose a lot more than walls & windows. You lose your doorway to the world.

 Jen:  When someone doesn’t want to open up to you about things that are going on, what can we still do to let them know that we’re here if they need us?

Robin: We can say “I want you to know that I’m here if you need me. If there is something I can do, I’d like to assist you.” Don’t be afraid of giving the simple, heartfelt, straightforward message. If the words come out sounding awkward, it can lead to both people having a good laugh – and the person you care about still knows you’re there for support.

 Jen:  As an agent, clients definitely look to you for expertise and professionalism. Do you think it would be helpful or appropriate for an agent to show a more “human” side as well?

Robin: Yes, showing our “human” side is always a good thing in my book! We all have a certain nature, ranging from being reserved to outgoing. The “trick” to showing your human side in a professional situation is to do so in a way that is natural & authentic for you.

Studies show that the most effective and respected leaders in business are all over the map in terms of personality; among the qualities they share is they roll up their sleeves and take action, and they make the people they work with feel important and empowered. Agents are in a particularly important position as they are front-and-center in helping people with some of the biggest decisions they make in life. Bringing your human side brings warmth, reassurance, and excitement to clients; helps support someone who has felt bullied by creditors, and helps clients to avoid feeling scared about future transactions.

 Jen: What’s an important message that you’d want to tell people who feel like they’ve lost hope right now?

Robin: These two suggestions are made in tandem – so they go together…. Look for the lessons your life is offering – a chance to break old habits, to follow ‘forgotten’ dreams, to take a more expansive view of life. And always remember the underdog. Individuals, families and communities do rise like the phoenix in completely amazing ways. What’s not so amazing is that it takes faith and effort. But with those two simple ingredients, every life can get back on track and can rise to better days, better things than you might have imagined before this situation.

May I share a quote? “A great revolution of character in just a single individual will help achieve a change in the destiny of a nation and, further, will cause a change in the destiny of humankind.” –Daisaku Ikeda. By having to deal with a challenging situation, people learn that they are stronger and more capable than they realized.

Jen: Even when it’s not a distressed sale, a typical sale can be pretty stressful. A huge transition. Beyond preparing them logistically, what can a life coach or counselor, help a new homeowner or seller achieve?

Robin: A counselor or life coach can help a new homeowner or seller achieve two main things:

• A toolkit of stress coping techniques tailored specifically for you
• A plan to make the most of the transition, such as how to use the change to:
  • renew your strengths
  • double check your decisions so that they match your values
  • refresh and re-dedicate to your goals in all areas of your life
  • set a strong and positive vision for your future and the future of your family

 Jen: Thank you. This is truly authentic, helpful advice.